Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Xtina


Remember when Christina Aguilera crossed the Christ out of her name and became Xtina? I think it lasted all of one month. How unimportant. Someone once told me she smelled like hot dogs when she was in high school. I love that thought. Do people still really care about her anyway? She needs to shave her head or flash her snatch or something or pretty soon people will be like, "Xtina, who?". I still am a firm believer in Xing out Jesus though. Speaking of Jesus, I think it was somebody's birrrrrrrthdaaaaay!!

This year Jon and I spent Xmas in our new home in Ohio. I wanted to share a photo of our vintage Xmas tree, well the tree itself was new and real, the ornaments however were vintage. Oh, and the deer head. My first real tree in well over a decade. What fun! And my first real taxidermic beast. Merry Xmas, everyone.

I also thought I would show off our new old dining room table we just got. I eventually want to do a whole blog on our house, and will, I just need to take more pictures. But for now..



I start school on Monday. I'm terrified!

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Open Road (or Pennsylvania Is Just This State That Gets In Your Way When You're Trying To Get Somewhere Else.)

I wish I got a photo of the police pulling us over and searching our Uhaul when we crossed the George Washington Bridge. That was cute. I did, however, get to see the Apollo before we left. It was a special moment. I didn't get a picture of that either.



Jon drove the whole way. It's pretty much understood that I'm not allowed to drive a Uhaul due to the time I drove one up onto a gas pump.



Pennsylvania is a tortuously long state.





Nothing too exciting. We made it in one piece. For the time being we are camping out at my Dad's until our cute little house is ready. It's weird to be back here.

There is a lot of bad hair.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Parting Thoughts

On my way home from work I take the L train to the G train. The G is shitty and only runs every fifteen minutes or so. It claims to be running every 8 minutes but it never ceases to let me down. So, when I get off the L at the Lorimer stop it's a mad dash to transfer to the G. The first person out of the train has a greater chance of making it to the G, assuming it's about to come. It usually does come, when I'm power walking like a determined granny in the mall. I usually miss it, most likely because someone is in my way. Then I'm stuck waiting for the next G train delaying what time I get home. Which brings me to my point. Eventually I start to resent people. I run down the stairs of the L and there is someone practically crawling, holding hands with their lover, cooing at each other, totally slowing me down. It then causes a chain reaction of train missing which could get me home a half hour later. So now when I get stuck behind anyone I automatically hate them, it's awful. I don't know if it's just me but I don't think I should resent or hate people for existing or walking at a different pace than I, but I do, here in New York. Then I wonder how I would feel in 10 years? If I would continue to hate at the rate in which I do now, would I start attacking people with my umbrella? Like scary Britney Spears with a beard? I guess I won't know. Maybe that's a good thing.


I put in my one week notice yesterday at work. It's weird. This was the third time I have told an employer that I'm moving out of state, but this is the first time that an employer said, "Why?". It's funny how we are all bred to think things about certain places. Growing up in Ohio you think, "I've got to get out of this cow town!". In Ohio you think New York City is the coolest place ever, you think California is the coolest place ever. When you grow up in California or New York you think that they are the coolest places ever and that Ohio is a cow town. Now, yes parts of Ohio are mostly farming, but California is almost all farms. And New York is just full of people who grew up in these farm areas pretending they didn't because they were raised to think being from New York is better. Where am I going with this? Ah, one week notice. It's a strange feeling leaving a place you work. You spend so much time there. I spent more time hanging out on the couch with my coworkers than I ever did hanging out with my friends. I'll miss them, well not all of them. Some of them I'm thrilled to never see again.

It's funny how living in a certain place can change a person so much. I imagine myself staying in New York. I imagine my pores getting larger and my nose hairs getting thicker. It's like evolution at work. Like how we are supposed to eventually not have pinky fingers or red headed persons, but faster and more rat-like. I imagine my attitude changing. My back curving. It's like natural selection or whatever, creatures adapting to their surroundings, like Asians or frogs. It's just so crazy that the place you live in can change you so much, make such a big difference. Like Eskimos. They evolved to wear large furry coats. Or if you're living somewhere like LA and it makes you so crazy that you stalk Paula Abdul and you end up killing yourself in her lawn. Where you exist is important, so is addressing your mental illnesses.



I basically have one more week left in New York City. It's funny how I dreamt of this experience all my life and now it's almost over.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Great Migration


I am moving to the Midwest in two weeks.
I know, you're like, "whaaat?".

Myself and Jon have decided to leave The Big Apple, or The Skid Mark (Bushwick), to head west to the heart of it all, Ohio. After my whirlwind adventure from San Diego to New York I have decided to make the major decision of returning to college. I say "returning" because I didn't really go the first time. My parents basically paid for me lie around in a dorm room and eat cafeteria food for three months. That was my college experience. That and football players calling me a faggot. But, now that I have grown, I have decided to take initiative and start on a new career path. Nursing. I could make a good nurse, right?. I know I can't do hair forever. I don't want to. My back won't let me either. Plus, I've been dying to find a new way to accumulate more debt!

I have learned a lot in the last few years. One of those things is that Ohio really isn't as bad as I thought. It's a great place, in fact, it's a fine place. And comfortable. And I like comfortable. Another thing I learned is New York City isn't as great as I thought. Granted, I never got the chance to live in Manhattan. That would have been fun. In fact, if I was someone like Bette Midler or Sarah Jessica Parker and I was rich, living in two connected brownstones or a huge penthouse facing the park, I would NEVER leave. But the reality is, if I worked my ass off my whole life here I would never achieve that. I would be lucky if I could afford to buy a million dollar 500 square foot apartment with an eat in kitchen somewhere on Avenue C where the smell of piss and curry floats into my window every night. Not cute. And why work so hard for so little? I guess I don't care about living here enough. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I love it here. It was always a dream of mine to live here. There is something magic about the place. Although, I feel I came a few decades too late. New York was the real deal in the 70s and 80s. That would have been cool. Seriously, so cool. You could still be poor and live in the city. There was so much happening then. Even the 50s. Do you think anyone will look back and think, "God, living in New York in the 00s was the tops! Remember that song Umbrella? Geez. And those times we ate at Tao? That was da bomb!" Sigh. Now it's bros 'n hos and another Marc Jacobs on every corner, chain restaurants and boring people wandering back and forth, steroid gay men with lip injections... it's losing it's magic. I'm not saying Ohio is going to be cooler than New York. It won't be. It's not trying to be. Ohio will be quiet and clean and convenient. It will be a good place to relax for a few years while furthering my education. It will be full of trees (and hillbillies) and snow. But, it will be good. I will say I'm really going to miss not driving. Walking everywhere is amazing. Everyone should have to do it. Eating a large meal and walking ten blocks feels great and my ass has never looked better from all these stairs! God, I really don't want to own a car. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to get a super sexy one, like a Pontiac Sunfire.

Who knows where I'm off to after Ohio? I'm not too concerned right now. I got that out of my system. I hope. Although I would definitely come back to the east coast. I love the east coast. Maybe to some cute New England town, or France.

I really enjoyed my short time here in New York, all nine months. I could have made a baby, but instead I made a memory. One I will cherish more than any stupid baby. And you may ask, "Jacob, why not California?", and to that I would say, "Well, you, when I lived in California I had terrible scarring bacne and when I left San Diego it left my back.". So, it's time to pack the ol' Uhaul. Goodbye New York! Hello next chapter!

P.S. Please come visit us. We will have nothing to do!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

blog post number twenty one.

Hi,

I just wanted to take a minute to say how truly happy I am Barack Obama is the new president of the United States of America. I also feel not only can I saw this, but I should rub it in people's faces the way they did in '04. Remember those awful bumper stickers? "VIVA BUSH!" and "W our president". How fucking rude. I am going to make a Barack sticker and stick it on my back. It will say something catchy like, "Obama, that's right, asshole!" or "Obama, not who you voted for. HA. HA.". And they can all bitch and take political asylum in Texas, or wherever, because Canada won't have them. It sure is a great feeling to finally vote for a president who won the election. Maybe there is still hope for us after all.

Love,
Jacob

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Halloween




It's probably safe to say that Halloween is my favorite holiday, other than my birthday, which isn't really a holiday. It should be. This year Jon and I went as dead lumberjacks. We started the evening by heading to the west village for the Halloween parade. It was a sea of people. This picture is the line to get out of the subway.



We have no pictures of the parade, although a few people did ask to have their picture taken with us. Now I know how Nicole Kidman must feel. After being at the parade for all of two minutes we decided to leave. We made a pit stop at Eastern Bloc before heading to the Eagle to meet Nick after his big Bette Midler Halloween bash. Here are some photos. A warning though, we did go to the Eagle, so some of the photos may unsuitable for minors.


Little gay dancer guy.

Someone I don't know.

Cute 80s songs!

Jon with the guy I don't know.

Me with the guy I don't know.

More cute 80s songs!

Fun with little gay dancer guy and guy I don't know.

Double axe action!

Guy with tiny balls sticking something in his penis.

Oh, my.

Creepy guy jacking off to guy with tiny balls sticking something in his penis.

Hot mess.


The night ended near the corner of 8th Ave. and 14th St. where Jon barfed next to a trash can. All in all I'd say Halloween was a success. Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Jesus Christ!


Imagine someone you love thinking your existence was wrong? A shitty thought, isn't it?

It all has to do with religion. Religion, in my opinion, is the root of all evil. I really hate it. It's what makes my grandmother think that her grandson is going to hell. It makes her think her daughter is going to hell. Hell, a place where your soul burns for eternity. How could someone think things like that about those they love? Religion. Brainwashing. It's like a cult, really. You go and give your money, chant to your sky god and learn to judge everyone around you because they are not as good as you, not as godly as you. Although I've never agreed with it, I used to think religion was a good thing. There to help the meek get through the day to day. Now I have realized it isn't helping. Not at all. It's holding people down. Forcing them to not question things. The world has advanced the way it has because people HAVE questioned things. What if no one formed their own thoughts? Everywhere would be like Los Angeles! Awful, I know. People should question the world around them. Why should you base your whole life around something you have no concrete evidence even exists? The answer to this? Faith. That's not an answer at all. Why should a person need someone to tell them what they can or cannot do? Or even worse, that they should live in fear, of God, the very God who created them?

With the stupid election drawing to a close I, of course, am unable to ignore it. I did my best to try to. It is unavoidable. I honestly don't care who's voting for who. I don't. I don't want to hear about it. But, I really feel like people think it's a war on religion. If you're a conservative, you believe in god. And, heaven forbid, you are liberal, you support Muslims, terror and Satan. COME ON! What the fuck people? Seriously? My brain hurts when I think about this shit because it blows my mind how fucking far off course everyone is. Politics and religion are two separate things. Keep your Religion in your house of worship. It's funny then when you think about it. When you know your friends and family vote conservative, even though the whole country is crumbling, just because their church, or their parents, or God, or whomever tells them too. It makes you think. What do they really think of you? My grandmother can look me in the eyes, hug me, tell me she loves me and can think my whole life is a sin. That my soul will burn in hell for eternity. She would vote away all of my rights. Because someone else told her so. It's sad. I sleep comfortably at night knowing there is no hell. Or heaven. We are all animals on this earth and anyone who thinks they are a gift from God is a total narcissist. Religion is an outdated, archaic tool to keep uneducated townsfolk from tearing off people's heads or stealing each others gold. There is no place for it in today's society.

With that being said, go vote for whoever you want. Go pray to whoever you want. Just don't talk to me about it or I'll burn down your goddamned church and steal your gold, asshole.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thanksgiving



As Thanksgiving draws near let us take a minute to acknowledge the true meaning of the holiday, greed.

The story begins in 1614 when a band of English explorers sailed home to England with a ship full of Patuxet Indians bound for slavery. Behind them they left smallpox, which virtually wiped out all those who weren't taken as slaves. By the time the Pilgrims finally arrived in Massachusetts Bay they found only one living Patuxet Indian, a man named Squanto who had survived slavery in England and knew their language. Despite his past, he taught them to grow corn and how to fish, and negotiated a peace treaty between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Nation. Thus saving the Pilgrims from their failing attempt of a socialist society (which resulted in laziness, ending in starvation). At the end of their first year, the Pilgrims held a great feast honoring Squanto and the Wampanoags for saving them from death. The indians supplied most of the food.

After a while Pilgrims started telling their Indian neighbors that their Indian religion and Indian customs were wrong. The Pilgrims displayed an intolerance toward the Indian religion similar to the intolerance displayed toward the less popular religions in Europe. The relationship deteriorated and within a few years the children of the people who ate together at the first Thanksgiving were killing one another in what came to be called King Phillip's War.

The Pilgrims were not just innocent refugees from religious persecution. They were victims of bigotry in England, but some of them were themselves religious bigots by our modern standards. The Puritans and the Pilgrims saw themselves as the "Chosen Elect" mentioned in the book of Revelation. They strove to "purify" first themselves and then everyone else of everything they did not accept in their own interpretation of scripture. Later New England Puritans used any means, including deceptions, treachery, torture, war, and genocide to achieve that end. They saw themselves as fighting a holy war against Satan, and everyone who disagreed with them was the enemy. This rigid fundamentalism was transmitted to America by the Plymouth colonists, and it sheds a very different light on the "Pilgrim" image we have of them. This is best illustrated in the written text of the Thanksgiving sermon delivered at Plymouth in 1623 by "Mather the Elder." In it, Mather the Elder gave special thanks to God for the devastating plague of smallpox which wiped out the majority of the Wampanoag Indians who had been their benefactors. He praised God for destroying "chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth"

In 1637 near present day Groton, Connecticut, over 700 men, women and children of the Pequot Tribe had gathered for their annual Green Corn Festival which is our Thanksgiving celebration. In the predawn hours the sleeping Indians were surrounded by English and Dutch mercenaries who ordered them to come outside. Those who came out were shot or clubbed to death while the terrified women and children who huddled inside the longhouse were burned alive. The next day the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared "A Day Of Thanksgiving" because 700 unarmed men, women and children had been murdered.

Cheered by their "victory", the brave colonists and their Indian allies attacked village after village. Women and children over 14 were sold into slavery while the rest were murdered. Boats loaded with a many as 500 slaves regularly left the ports of New England. Bounties were paid for Indian scalps to encourage as many deaths as possible.

Following an especially successful raid against the Pequot in what is now Stamford, Connecticut, the churches announced a second day of "thanksgiving" to celebrate victory over the heathen savages. During the feasting, the hacked off heads of Natives were kicked through the streets like soccer balls. Even the friendly Wampanoag did not escape the madness. Their chief was beheaded, and his head impaled on a pole in Plymouth, Massachusetts where it remained on display for 24 years.

The killings became more and more frenzied, with days of thanksgiving feasts being held after each successful massacre. George Washington finally suggested that only one day of Thanksgiving a year be set aside instead of celebrating each and every massacre. Later Abraham Lincoln decreed Thanksgiving Day to be a legal national holiday during the Civil War, on the same day he ordered troops to march against the starving Sioux in Minnesota. But it wasn't until 1939, when President Franklin D. Roosevelt moved Thanksgiving forward by one week, to mark the beginning of the holiday shopping season. Leaving it were we know it today, the last Thursday in November.

The story of Thanksgiving is also the story of the birth of America. It is a story of greed and corruption, which happen to be the principals in which our nation was founded and still runs on today. Have things really changed over all these years? Maybe we are not kicking Native Americans heads around like sporting equipment, but we are still a nation of greed who continues to not learn from our mistakes. We polish the story of Thanksgiving into a homogenized version which forces us to forget our past. There may have been a moment where we sat peacefully and ate, but soon after we grew greedy and ungrateful and ruined it. It is a perfect example of the human race and America as a whole. I'm not saying I'm immune to it. I have credit card debt, not to mention a mean addiction to EBay.

So, maybe this year we should be thankful for what we do have. A crumbling economy in the middle of the biggest financial slump in history, er, I mean, pie, lots of pie.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Dirty Fag.

Williamsburg Bridge

On my way to work this week the L train wasn't running, so I decided instead of paying $30 to get to work to make $30 I would just walk. It wasn't nearly as thrilling as anticipated. Is anything ever?









It's finally beginning to feel like fall and I'm loving it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

blog post number fifteen.

Today I woke up really missing San Diego. Well, waking up implies that I slept, which I didn't really.

I left the bed this morning really missing San Diego. I suppose it's like most things that you don't have anymore. Everyone was sad when Richard Nixon died and I'm sure someone really missed Adolph Hitler when he wasn't around. It's funny how you always want what you don't have. I guess I mean me, I want what I don't have. Which isn't entirely true. I have a lot of what I want. I consider myself a mildly lucky individual, fortunate in most ways. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love, sort of well-behaved pets, a job (it doesn't make me money, but I have it), wonderful parents, great friends, a bangin' body and a few dollars in my bank account (like five). So, I'm lucky-ish. I mean I could be fat or short.

So, I started to miss San Diego. It's not the worst place in the world to live. It's sunny, there's a beach, little bungalow houses and TONS of white people! I miss my job there, not what I did there as much as the place. I had the best co-workers/boss ever. It was super neat. The city was so laid back, so laid back everyone was practically asleep. So, I left for New York because it was what San Diego was not. Now I live in New York and want to live on a farm.

What is a mildly lucky individual like me suppose to do?

I can't help but wonder if there's some more I'm suppose to be doing.. I mean making sure people's bangs are an appropriate length is totally vital and detrimental to life as we know it, but there are other really important things like the fact that we rely totally on oil and we're basically out of it. I just watched 'Crude Awakening' last night. WAAAAAHHH, WAAAAAAAAHHH. God, I mean, give me another reason to HATE people. After watching it and listening to Jon and Nick talk about 'Animal, Vegetable, Miracle', I want to live on a big beautiful farm. And I want to read 'Animal, Vegetable, Miracle'. I know once I finish it I will move to the middle of nowhere and start planting things. I could farm. I mean as far as changing the world and helping the greater good, farming is something I could do. Curing cancer or something involving numbers, forget it. Plants? Why not? But then would I again long for what I didn't have? A city? Or would western civilization have then crumbled leaving cities as putrid collapsing ghettos? Would New York then be much different? Or would I want to move back to the west coast? By then they will all be out of water. Or maybe by then I'll want to open a restaurant. Or a strip club... people in various states of undress are always entertaining.


The point is I don't know.


And then I think, Jacob, no one really knows. The important thing is that we all look ultra sexy and all have really white teeth.. and lots of money.


Friday, September 12, 2008

Donatin'


So, I thought a lot about who I want to donate money to this month. I considered pushing it over Barack Obama's way, but Jon has been giving him money so I decided to give it to those less fortunate. This month I will donate my ten bucks to help the Humane Society help animals. I love animals. This makes me a better person.

If you would like to be a better person, like me, you can donate too. Donate to the "Jacob Has Too Much Credit Card Debt Foundation" by simply clicking the donate button located below. I accept most major credit cards.












Thursday, September 11, 2008

Filth.



As I was returning from my hour trek to a decent grocery store, I was standing on the subway platform and began to examine my fellow travelers around me. All colors and shapes (and sizes). Then I looked down and began to examine the rat a few feet away from me. He had enormous testicles. It got me thinking, thinking not about testicles, but of exactly how dirty New York is.

Once the train roared in, blowing an intense wind, a wind of rat feces and decades of grime, it stopped and I crammed on board with the throngs of melting pot commuters. Across from me was a Mexican man with a ponytail scratching at his arm, picking a scab. As he picked, he flicked, flicking the largest portion of scab into this girl's hair who was asleep on the bench below him. Meanwhile, the large dirty man who was pressed against me, due to the rush hour overload, began to pick under his fingernails with a scrap of cardboard, which he then discarded onto my shoe. This got me thinking again, not of how I now wanted to burn my shoes when I got home, but of how a few weeks ago I went apartment hunting with a co-worker. She and I went to the upper east side, a nice neighborhood, to find her a place to live. I was along for the ride and was very curious to see exactly how small the places were. I was surprised, not at how small they were (they were small), but at how dirty they were. Molded bathrooms, soiled kitchens.. and these people were home, standing there, smiling at us, proud of their gardens of goo. All of the places, except for one, were pretty much disgusting. It's crazy to me. Wouldn't you want your home to be a safe haven from the squalid streets of New York? I know I like things clean, sometimes a little too clean, but this is ridiculous. I started thinking about the dirty city, dirty apartments, dirty people, there is no break from it. And to make things worse returning to Bushwick is like is a stab in the face. Garbage tornadoes down Whipple Street, used condoms strewn about like deflated party balloons, and baby diapers packed tightly with rancid shit waiting curbside. It doesn't end, this filth. Here we are in this modern society but in so many ways we are a bucket-of-trash-out-the-window away from living like medieval peasants. I know I'm over exaggerating.. a little. On my way to work the other day I counted eight piles of vomit, in all colors and consistency, on various parts of the sidewalk. Then, the other day the smell of hot garbage blew into my place of employment and everyone was like, "oh, god, gross... eh... it'll blow by". WHAT?! Ew, seriously. One night last month I awoke from slumber because the air coming through my air-conditioner vent smelled so foul it made my eye lids pop open. New York is fun and all, but why does it have to be so dirty? People hawking loogies all over the sidewalk. Ethan Hawke? (He lives around the corner from my work so I see him daily. He needs a bath and a dentist appointment, seriously.) I watched this guy one afternoon toss his McDonald's cup onto 9th Avenue and keep walking. I realized it's people's lack of concern for those around them. Everyone is too selfish and too lazy to make New York not a trash can. No one cares. They don't care if their scabs are falling in people's hair or their fingernail clippings are left on a bench for someone else to sweep off. They don't care that someone else has to step in their loogie. And these are the same people who are hired to clean New York. The people in charge of cleaning the subway cars, for example, they live in my neighborhood, I'm sure. I can only imagine what their homes look like. I've watched them "clean" the train cars. They don't care. Why would they? They get nothing and do nothing. Doesn't matter to them. Sorry, I could write a whole separate blog about how fucking lazy people are, but this one is about how dirty people are. Oh, and fat people.. that's another blog, too, but it's the worst when the fatty's are dirty or littering. Ooo, that really burns me up. Anyway, New York is dirty and when I get home I blow my nose and my boogers are the color of the subway tracks.

As I examined the rat with elephantitis of the testicles, I thought, am I much different? Not because, I too have elephantitis testicles, but because I'm covered in dirt, like him, crowded in by millions, just trying to make my way. And sometimes, I too eat garbage. Maybe that's why they call it the rat race? It does amaze me how New Yorker's compromise and/or accept this as a way of life. Not only that but they pay thousands of dollars a month to live in shoe boxes surrounded by crud. The funny thing is, most of these people are from smaller, cleaner towns or cities. Shouldn't they want a cleaner life? Or do they thrive in the filth, like a chinchilla having a dust bath, or Eddy rubbing her face in dead bird remains? Remember when David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear? Maybe he could make the dirt in New York disappear.. that's something I'd like to see. Is he still alive? Or maybe that David Blaine fellow? I hate him. Regardless, I'm going to go take a shower.

Monday, September 8, 2008

CUNT.


“So Sambo beat the bitch!”

This is how Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin described Barack Obama’s win over Hillary Clinton to political colleagues in a restaurant a few days after Obama locked up the Democratic Party presidential nomination.

Oh, and this.

I really don't like to get involved in politics, it usually makes me really stressed out and it's totally not worth it (i.e. 2000, 2004). So, this time I'll keep my mouth shut and just vote for that nice Barack fellow. He seems like a nice man. But, I just wanted to say Sarah Palin is a beastly shit-bag with a heart of stone (and a brain the size of a pea) and I hope she burns in hell (if there was one, but there's not, Alise).

Oh, and nice bangs, cunt.

Friday, August 15, 2008

blog post number eleven.









I wandered down to the water this afternoon and a storm was rolling across Manhattan. Of course an Iphone photo doesn't do it justice, but it was really pretty.

Tattoos

So, I've been thinking about getting another tattoo, or as Nick calls them "dirty marks on your skin forever". When getting tattooed you must choose wisely because it's pretty much permanent. I mean now they have tattoo removal, but it usually just blurs what was once your tattoo into a smudgy-shit-smear.

I was looking on the world wide web at tattoos and came across some really awful ones. Just thought I'd share.







*The last one was a woman who tattooed this online casino's web address on her forehead for $15,000. What a good idea.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Grocery Shopping

Just down Broadway and a left on Manhattan, lies the Food Bazaar. Nestled between the projects and the JMZ subway line like a genital wart tucked snugly between two labia, the Food Bazaar is the primary grocer serving the residents off the Flushing stop.



I can't even describe this place and pictures don't do it justice, but I felt the need to share. Misery loves company, I guess.



The smell when shopping here is always different though always stale. The rotten and/or soggy produce is consistently rotten and/or soggy. The lines are long and there is absolutely no order in which things are shelved. All and all it makes for an awful shopping trip, one you try to hold your breath through while moving as fast as possible.



Watch your step!



What does Goya have on sale this week?!



Rotten peanuts! I'll take a pound!



Fun around every corner!



Here at Food Bazaar the slogan reads, "Getting Better Than Yesterday!", this is, in fact, not true.



This is where I always hold my breath.




Look out! More locals.



There's always something new to discover at the Food Bazaar.



This gentleman was looking mighty fierce in his grey mesh tee.



The best part is at the end of this horrible experience, after your enthusiastic checkout service, they expect a tip.



Oh, who would have thought that something as simple as grocery shopping could be so... not fun?
I guess I'll have to do my shopping in Manhattan, not ON Manhattan.


No, thank you food bazaar.