Tranny Panties

Hi.

I would like to start out by saying, aren't you sad little Alexis Grace was kicked off American Idol last night? Why not the blind guy? Just because he's blind doesn't mean he can sing, and who likes Bruce Hornsby anyway? My mom used to. Apparently blind people do as well. Oh, American Idol. So dumb, but yet I still keep watching.

It's my spring break. Spring break '09! Yeah! It's going to be off the hook. It's already pretty crazy, I mean, here I am on the couch writing a blog, then it's off to work. Next thing you know I'll be showing my nipples for beads or doing shots of sex on the beach.

So, yesterday, as part of my spring break madness, I took photos of our house. And here they are..
This is the house. This photo was taken in the winter. It's not snowing now, in fact, yesterday it was 75, but tomorrow it could be snowing.

This is the guest room. This is where you would sleep if I ever invited you to stay over.

This is the door out of the guest room. Next to it is a photo of an old woman with some sort of cyst or something on her eye. We take it down when my mom stays over.

This is the upstairs hall.

This is our bedroom. Keep out.

These are the tiny closets that run the length of our room.

This is where you would exit in case of an emergency.

This is where you would urinate or barf.

Wipe the seat.

Here you can see our neighbors slate tile roof.

This is where Jon makes me food.

Have you noticed our soothing paint color selections?

This is where I make drinks.

This is another place to pee them out.

This is where all the state dinners and lunches are given, there were almost two a month last year.

This is where we watch American Idol.

And my decapitated deer.

Oh, and my pencil cactus! It needs a pot. Be careful, if you break it open, it will burn you. Cool.

This is where Jon makes money to feed me.

In the afternoon sun comes through these gay stained glass windows.

And little rainbows go everywhere!

Spring come here finally!

Patio.

Piggles!

So, yeah. That's the house. Our lease is up in four months and we'll probably move. We have actually been thinking about buying something. There are some affordable, cute little houses in Clintonville. Heaven forbid I live somewhere for a whole year!

blog post number thirty one.

Eddy is perched on the sofa back mere feet from my ear making a licking motion in the air. Has she lost her little dog mind? Has her obsession for licking reached an all time high, or low? Or is she slowly licking away her rotten little teeth like decaying little ice cream cones? Either way, it's driving me insane. I'm trying to pick a topic for my 102nd paper this quarter. Oh, now she's licking me.

I somehow outed myself as a nonbeliever of religion in my English class today. We were in groups talking about another paper we are writing. We are always in groups at Columbus State. I don't know if this is just a community college thing. I hope, I hate working with others. I know they are trying to teach us how things really work in "the real world", but as someone who's already been in "the real world", I know that we don't get into groups with 19 year olds and talk about Anime. Whatever. I somehow mentioned religion and all the sudden was giving my opinion about it. I should know better. It was quiet. People love God.

I must say, I am so sick of winter. It's funny how I would romanticize it on the west coast. It was fun for a hot minute. The novelty of the fireplace, puffy snowflakes, twinkling Christmas lights, but for fucks sake, it's so gloomy here! I need a vacation stat or I'm asking for a Uhual for my next birthday.

Ankle Socks

Have you ever noticed that straight dudes love ankle socks? I know, right? I used to wear them in grade school. I have this weird thing about the toe seam in socks, if I can feel the seam go under my toes, I freak out. It drives me insane. So as a child I only wore those little ankle socks, that and sweatsuits. I would only wear sweat suits in solid colors. I had a thing against jeans. You know how they would sometimes give you "pants penis"? For some reason that made me uncomfortable. God, I am really weird. Well, lately I've noticed dudes wearing ankle socks and now that I'm thinking about it, I see it everywhere. It seems so weird. And it's always the most dudeiest of dudes. When I say dudes I mean bros, too. In my opinion those little socks are so gay, like you could glue little tassely balls on them and be on a grade school dance team. It just isn't masculine. I mean, they were my sock of choice during my multicolored sweatsuit phase. Gay.

It's Friday the 13th. OoOoo. But really, a commuter plane just crashed into someones house killing him and all 48 people on board. That's terrifying. I'm terrified. I hate flying. This is the second plane to crash in the last month. Granted, the last plane (Miracle on the Hudson) was, in fact, a miracle on the Hudson. Like Jennifer Hudson. Remember when that person killed her whole family? Friday the 13th is so creepy. I wonder whats happening to Jennifer Hudson today? She's probably at Dunkin Donuts ordering a frozen cappuchino and an eclair. That's mean. She's probably at Starbucks ordering a donut and a Frappuchino. She's classy now. Anyway, you knows she's totally paranoid today. I would be too. You know that donut is probably going to clog her arteries.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Jon and I are going out for Indian food. Everywhere in the city is booked so we're going to Indian Oven. I'm actually really excited. I love Indian food. I hope it's totally delicious like my favorite Indian restaurant Bombay, in San Diego, California.

I miss California.

Join the Homosexual Intifada!

Yesterday was quite pleasant. Jon and I decided to go out for brunch. We first picked the Old Mohawk after seeing the breakfast menu on the interweb. To our dismay, we got there and were told they no longer serve breakfast,which was totally annoying, so we went to the German Village Coffee Haus. It was PACKED and greasy, so we left and went to Lindey's. It was lovely. Great coffee, yummy food and we got to sit next to local TV celebrity, Andrea Cambern. The restaurant manager had her brunch comped, because she's just that famous.. and our neighbor. While we were dining big puffy snowflakes were falling out the window and by the end of brunch we were walking through about three inches of snow. It was a great morning. (Here is the only photo I could get, Nick.)

In the afternoon we went to the Drexel to see Sean Penn in the motion picture Milk. Wow, it really left a lasting impression on me. It also left me feeling really depressed. So, after we went to Betty's to drown our sorrows with cocktails and nachos. Seriously though, go see Milk. It was the first time I ever saw such a powerful gay movie. A movie that so intensely depicted the gay rights movement. It made me wish I was doing more, fighting harder. It's crazy how little has changed from 30 years ago, granted a lot HAS changed, but here we are still denying humans equal rights. It is infuriating that religious groups were donating millions of dollars to support prop 8. and that it passed! It makes me want to scream in the faces of my religious zealot family and friends. I don't feel like gay people are doing enough, myself included. We are all too comfortable to make a scene. Gay people aren't wrong. Jesus is wrong! Join the Homosexual Intifada! I'm moving to San Francisco! I'll be the only one there, standing alone with my sign and tight jeans, but we need a revolution! We need it now!

Ten Below

After our mini blizzard of six plus inches of snow, the cold set in. The temperature dropped from the twenties to negative numbers and as I've learned in college math class; 0>-10. This morning it was a balmy negative ten and with the wind chill it felt like thirty below. I let the dogs out, they made it about half a minute before limping and hobbling back in. Eva didn't pee. She was overwhelmingly confused by the chill. Once inside, she proceeded to relieve her bladder on the new sofa. Thank you Eva, good dog.

After driving, hunched over with frozen nose hair, I got to work and the doors were frozen shut. They had to throw hot water on them to let clients in. The water immediately froze again.

I must say, I'm thankful I'm not in New York. Walking in this cold? No thanks!

New Year, New You!

So this year is a big year. Two thousand and nine. Nine, wow. It's actually really annoying seeing as I hate writing the number nine. It is my least favorite number to write. I need to figure out how to write a nine different. I have written many nines so far this year. I'm in math class again for the first time in a decade. It sucks. Math is the stupidest thing ever. I know it's important and all and Einstein couldn't have made those theories without it. I wish he was still around. I would listen to him about math. He would be all zany and I would blow out his hair and we would laugh and drink whiskey on the rocks, my new favorite drink. He would tell me, "Jacob, math is so important and stuff. I'll talk to your professor, I'm Albert Einstein! She'll listen to me! Pass the whiskey." And then I'd go do other important things like exercise. I got a membership at the gross old YMCA downtown. I'm going to start swimming laps between classes. The new '09 Jacob is going to be sexy and fit so I've got to start somewhere. I actually had an inspiring dream about lifting weights and doing math problems at the same time. It was brilliant and is now my future goal for graduation. Actually, my real goal is to just graduate. That would be a miracle on its own. Being totally ripped would be totally awesome, too. I've never actually been physically fit. I'm not sure if I can be. I imagine doing all this exercise an then end up looking like Ann Coulter. She was on the Today Show yesterday. What a cunt. I've never actually heard her speak. Now that I have, I know that I never ever want to again. She was spouting some bullshit about how raising your child as a single mother is child abuse and how everyone in prison is the result of single parent homes. What an idiot. It made me really really angry. Anyway, I hate her and she is SO skinny. She looks like she's dying of colon cancer or something and hopefully she is. Well, time to get ready for math! Hopefully I can get through it in one piece, make a super sexy nine (like me), with or without Mr. Einstein.

They only want you when you're seventeen..

So here I am ten years later, about twenty pounds heavier (thank god), and in college. I can see how I didn't really like it the first time around. It's a lot like high school or junior high even, without the uncontrollable erections and acne, WHICH I still have, the acne that is. Yeah, it's very much like high school. I walked into my English class and there was everybody, "the hippy guy", "the rock guy", "the goth kid", "the cheerleader", "the nerd", "the black person".. and they are all seventeen! It made me feel old, especially since Jon and I went tanning the day before and I got a little burnt, so I felt like George Hamilton, a gay George Hamilton with a messenger bag. The worst. My teacher seems nice. She looked like a weathered farm hand with a bad dye job in a stripey sweater and Uggs. But that's just the outside. On the inside I'm sure she's amazing. If that's one thing New York taught me it was don't judge someone by how they look, just where they live.. or something. I guess people there judge people by how they look all the time. That got me thinking how awful it would be to go to school at FIT. Ew, all that out-cooling everyone and all that fashiony fashion!?. How could you concentrate? I'm sure concentrating is not hip anyway. Well, Columbus State is sooo unhip so concentration should be a breeze!

After English was my freshman psychology class, which begins at four. At 4:10 the professor had yet to arrive and about six guys got up and yelled, "ten minute rule!!", and ran out (which was so junior high). By 4:28 all but four remained, including myself, we all sort of looked around at each other and walked out. It wasn't really the most productive of days. All in all, I don't feel much wiser. I do feel older. And my car has an ugly parking sticker on it.