New Year, New You!

So this year is a big year. Two thousand and nine. Nine, wow. It's actually really annoying seeing as I hate writing the number nine. It is my least favorite number to write. I need to figure out how to write a nine different. I have written many nines so far this year. I'm in math class again for the first time in a decade. It sucks. Math is the stupidest thing ever. I know it's important and all and Einstein couldn't have made those theories without it. I wish he was still around. I would listen to him about math. He would be all zany and I would blow out his hair and we would laugh and drink whiskey on the rocks, my new favorite drink. He would tell me, "Jacob, math is so important and stuff. I'll talk to your professor, I'm Albert Einstein! She'll listen to me! Pass the whiskey." And then I'd go do other important things like exercise. I got a membership at the gross old YMCA downtown. I'm going to start swimming laps between classes. The new '09 Jacob is going to be sexy and fit so I've got to start somewhere. I actually had an inspiring dream about lifting weights and doing math problems at the same time. It was brilliant and is now my future goal for graduation. Actually, my real goal is to just graduate. That would be a miracle on its own. Being totally ripped would be totally awesome, too. I've never actually been physically fit. I'm not sure if I can be. I imagine doing all this exercise an then end up looking like Ann Coulter. She was on the Today Show yesterday. What a cunt. I've never actually heard her speak. Now that I have, I know that I never ever want to again. She was spouting some bullshit about how raising your child as a single mother is child abuse and how everyone in prison is the result of single parent homes. What an idiot. It made me really really angry. Anyway, I hate her and she is SO skinny. She looks like she's dying of colon cancer or something and hopefully she is. Well, time to get ready for math! Hopefully I can get through it in one piece, make a super sexy nine (like me), with or without Mr. Einstein.