Xtina

Remember when Christina Aguilera crossed the Christ out of her name and became Xtina? I think it lasted all of one month. How unimportant. Someone once told me she smelled like hot dogs when she was in high school. I love that thought. Do people still really care about her anyway? She needs to shave her head or flash her snatch or something or pretty soon people will be like, "Xtina, who?". I still am a firm believer in Xing out Jesus though. Speaking of Jesus, I think it was somebody's birrrrrrrthdaaaaay!!

This year Jon and I spent Xmas in our new home in Ohio. I wanted to share a photo of our vintage Xmas tree, well the tree itself was new and real, the ornaments however were vintage. Oh, and the deer head. My first real tree in well over a decade. What fun! And my first real taxidermic beast. Merry Xmas, everyone.

I also thought I would show off our new old dining room table we just got. I eventually want to do a whole blog on our house, and will, I just need to take more pictures. But for now..



I start school on Monday. I'm terrified!

The Open Road (or Pennsylvania Is Just This State That Gets In Your Way When You're Trying To Get Somewhere Else.)

I wish I got a photo of the police pulling us over and searching our Uhaul when we crossed the George Washington Bridge. That was cute. I did, however, get to see the Apollo before we left. It was a special moment. I didn't get a picture of that either.



Jon drove the whole way. It's pretty much understood that I'm not allowed to drive a Uhaul due to the time I drove one up onto a gas pump.



Pennsylvania is a tortuously long state.





Nothing too exciting. We made it in one piece. For the time being we are camping out at my Dad's until our cute little house is ready. It's weird to be back here.

There is a lot of bad hair.

Parting Thoughts

On my way home from work I take the L train to the G train. The G is shitty and only runs every fifteen minutes or so. It claims to be running every 8 minutes but it never ceases to let me down. So, when I get off the L at the Lorimer stop it's a mad dash to transfer to the G. The first person out of the train has a greater chance of making it to the G, assuming it's about to come. It usually does come, when I'm power walking like a determined granny in the mall. I usually miss it, most likely because someone is in my way. Then I'm stuck waiting for the next G train delaying what time I get home. Which brings me to my point. Eventually I start to resent people. I run down the stairs of the L and there is someone practically crawling, holding hands with their lover, cooing at each other, totally slowing me down. It then causes a chain reaction of train missing which could get me home a half hour later. So now when I get stuck behind anyone I automatically hate them, it's awful. I don't know if it's just me but I don't think I should resent or hate people for existing or walking at a different pace than I, but I do, here in New York. Then I wonder how I would feel in 10 years? If I would continue to hate at the rate in which I do now, would I start attacking people with my umbrella? Like scary Britney Spears with a beard? I guess I won't know. Maybe that's a good thing.


I put in my one week notice yesterday at work. It's weird. This was the third time I have told an employer that I'm moving out of state, but this is the first time that an employer said, "Why?". It's funny how we are all bred to think things about certain places. Growing up in Ohio you think, "I've got to get out of this cow town!". In Ohio you think New York City is the coolest place ever, you think California is the coolest place ever. When you grow up in California or New York you think that they are the coolest places ever and that Ohio is a cow town. Now, yes parts of Ohio are mostly farming, but California is almost all farms. And New York is just full of people who grew up in these farm areas pretending they didn't because they were raised to think being from New York is better. Where am I going with this? Ah, one week notice. It's a strange feeling leaving a place you work. You spend so much time there. I spent more time hanging out on the couch with my coworkers than I ever did hanging out with my friends. I'll miss them, well not all of them. Some of them I'm thrilled to never see again.

It's funny how living in a certain place can change a person so much. I imagine myself staying in New York. I imagine my pores getting larger and my nose hairs getting thicker. It's like evolution at work. Like how we are supposed to eventually not have pinky fingers or red headed persons, but faster and more rat-like. I imagine my attitude changing. My back curving. It's like natural selection or whatever, creatures adapting to their surroundings, like Asians or frogs. It's just so crazy that the place you live in can change you so much, make such a big difference. Like Eskimos. They evolved to wear large furry coats. Or if you're living somewhere like LA and it makes you so crazy that you stalk Paula Abdul and you end up killing yourself in her lawn. Where you exist is important, so is addressing your mental illnesses.



I basically have one more week left in New York City. It's funny how I dreamt of this experience all my life and now it's almost over.

The Great Migration

I am moving to the Midwest in two weeks.
I know, you're like, "whaaat?".

Myself and Jon have decided to leave The Big Apple, or The Skid Mark (Bushwick), to head west to the heart of it all, Ohio. After my whirlwind adventure from San Diego to New York I have decided to make the major decision of returning to college. I say "returning" because I didn't really go the first time. My parents basically paid for me lie around in a dorm room and eat cafeteria food for three months. That was my college experience. That and football players calling me a faggot. But, now that I have grown, I have decided to take initiative and start on a new career path. Nursing. I could make a good nurse, right?. I know I can't do hair forever. I don't want to. My back won't let me either. Plus, I've been dying to find a new way to accumulate more debt!

I have learned a lot in the last few years. One of those things is that Ohio really isn't as bad as I thought. It's a great place, in fact, it's a fine place. And comfortable. And I like comfortable. Another thing I learned is New York City isn't as great as I thought. Granted, I never got the chance to live in Manhattan. That would have been fun. In fact, if I was someone like Bette Midler or Sarah Jessica Parker and I was rich, living in two connected brownstones or a huge penthouse facing the park, I would NEVER leave. But the reality is, if I worked my ass off my whole life here I would never achieve that. I would be lucky if I could afford to buy a million dollar 500 square foot apartment with an eat in kitchen somewhere on Avenue C where the smell of piss and curry floats into my window every night. Not cute. And why work so hard for so little? I guess I don't care about living here enough. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I love it here. It was always a dream of mine to live here. There is something magic about the place. Although, I feel I came a few decades too late. New York was the real deal in the 70s and 80s. That would have been cool. Seriously, so cool. You could still be poor and live in the city. There was so much happening then. Even the 50s. Do you think anyone will look back and think, "God, living in New York in the 00s was the tops! Remember that song Umbrella? Geez. And those times we ate at Tao? That was da bomb!" Sigh. Now it's bros 'n hos and another Marc Jacobs on every corner, chain restaurants and boring people wandering back and forth, steroid gay men with lip injections... it's losing it's magic. I'm not saying Ohio is going to be cooler than New York. It won't be. It's not trying to be. Ohio will be quiet and clean and convenient. It will be a good place to relax for a few years while furthering my education. It will be full of trees (and hillbillies) and snow. But, it will be good. I will say I'm really going to miss not driving. Walking everywhere is amazing. Everyone should have to do it. Eating a large meal and walking ten blocks feels great and my ass has never looked better from all these stairs! God, I really don't want to own a car. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to get a super sexy one, like a Pontiac Sunfire.

Who knows where I'm off to after Ohio? I'm not too concerned right now. I got that out of my system. I hope. Although I would definitely come back to the east coast. I love the east coast. Maybe to some cute New England town, or France.

I really enjoyed my short time here in New York, all nine months. I could have made a baby, but instead I made a memory. One I will cherish more than any stupid baby. And you may ask, "Jacob, why not California?", and to that I would say, "Well, you, when I lived in California I had terrible scarring bacne and when I left San Diego it left my back.". So, it's time to pack the ol' Uhaul. Goodbye New York! Hello next chapter!

P.S. Please come visit us. We will have nothing to do!

blog post number twenty one.

Hi,

I just wanted to take a minute to say how truly happy I am Barack Obama is the new president of the United States of America. I also feel not only can I saw this, but I should rub it in people's faces the way they did in '04. Remember those awful bumper stickers? "VIVA BUSH!" and "W our president". How fucking rude. I am going to make a Barack sticker and stick it on my back. It will say something catchy like, "Obama, that's right, asshole!" or "Obama, not who you voted for. HA. HA.". And they can all bitch and take political asylum in Texas, or wherever, because Canada won't have them. It sure is a great feeling to finally vote for a president who won the election. Maybe there is still hope for us after all.

Love,
Jacob

Halloween

It's probably safe to say that Halloween is my favorite holiday, other than my birthday, which isn't really a holiday. It should be. This year Jon and I went as dead lumberjacks. We started the evening by heading to the west village for the Halloween parade. It was a sea of people. This picture is the line to get out of the subway.



We have no pictures of the parade, although a few people did ask to have their picture taken with us. Now I know how Nicole Kidman must feel. After being at the parade for all of two minutes we decided to leave. We made a pit stop at Eastern Bloc before heading to the Eagle to meet Nick after his big Bette Midler Halloween bash. Here are some photos. A warning though, we did go to the Eagle, so some of the photos may unsuitable for minors.


Little gay dancer guy.

Someone I don't know.

Cute 80s songs!

Jon with the guy I don't know.

Me with the guy I don't know.

More cute 80s songs!

Fun with little gay dancer guy and guy I don't know.

Double axe action!

Guy with tiny balls sticking something in his penis.

Oh, my.

Creepy guy jacking off to guy with tiny balls sticking something in his penis.

Hot mess.


The night ended near the corner of 8th Ave. and 14th St. where Jon barfed next to a trash can. All in all I'd say Halloween was a success. Happy Halloween!

Jesus Christ!

Imagine someone you love thinking your existence was wrong? A shitty thought, isn't it?

It all has to do with religion. Religion, in my opinion, is the root of all evil. I really hate it. It's what makes my grandmother think that her grandson is going to hell. It makes her think her daughter is going to hell. Hell, a place where your soul burns for eternity. How could someone think things like that about those they love? Religion. Brainwashing. It's like a cult, really. You go and give your money, chant to your sky god and learn to judge everyone around you because they are not as good as you, not as godly as you. Although I've never agreed with it, I used to think religion was a good thing. There to help the meek get through the day to day. Now I have realized it isn't helping. Not at all. It's holding people down. Forcing them to not question things. The world has advanced the way it has because people HAVE questioned things. What if no one formed their own thoughts? Everywhere would be like Los Angeles! Awful, I know. People should question the world around them. Why should you base your whole life around something you have no concrete evidence even exists? The answer to this? Faith. That's not an answer at all. Why should a person need someone to tell them what they can or cannot do? Or even worse, that they should live in fear, of God, the very God who created them?

With the stupid election drawing to a close I, of course, am unable to ignore it. I did my best to try to. It is unavoidable. I honestly don't care who's voting for who. I don't. I don't want to hear about it. But, I really feel like people think it's a war on religion. If you're a conservative, you believe in god. And, heaven forbid, you are liberal, you support Muslims, terror and Satan. COME ON! What the fuck people? Seriously? My brain hurts when I think about this shit because it blows my mind how fucking far off course everyone is. Politics and religion are two separate things. Keep your Religion in your house of worship. It's funny then when you think about it. When you know your friends and family vote conservative, even though the whole country is crumbling, just because their church, or their parents, or God, or whomever tells them too. It makes you think. What do they really think of you? My grandmother can look me in the eyes, hug me, tell me she loves me and can think my whole life is a sin. That my soul will burn in hell for eternity. She would vote away all of my rights. Because someone else told her so. It's sad. I sleep comfortably at night knowing there is no hell. Or heaven. We are all animals on this earth and anyone who thinks they are a gift from God is a total narcissist. Religion is an outdated, archaic tool to keep uneducated townsfolk from tearing off people's heads or stealing each others gold. There is no place for it in today's society.

With that being said, go vote for whoever you want. Go pray to whoever you want. Just don't talk to me about it or I'll burn down your goddamned church and steal your gold, asshole.