No One Wants to Sit Next to the Gay Kid

My math class is full of dudes, twenty seven to be exact, and only three girls. It's a business math class, the foundation for the school of business, accounting, etc. I am the only gay one. Well, there was another gay guy, but he dropped out, leaving the seat next to me open.

Everyday I take my seat as the rest of the class slowly files in; everyone choosing a place to sit. Eventually, it gets to the point where all the seats are taken, except the one next to me—guys choosing floating chairs and the option of doing math problems in their laps, avoiding my neighboring spot. I know I don't smell. I shower twice a day, floss and brush my teeth three times a day. I'm also not a paranoid person—unless it comes to self-diagnosed Internet health issues—so I know I'm not making this up. What the hell? Is my gayness oozing out my giant pores and wafting through the air like deer pheromones? I'm gay, but am I really that gay? I mean, I stopped wearing tiny pants and foundation at the beginning of the new millennium. I don't get it.

Sometimes I think we forget how socially unaccepted gay people still are—especially in the God-fearin' Bible Belt. People just don't like gay people. I read this gay news blog every morning, Towleroad, it's pretty crazy how many gay people are beaten, murdered or prejudiced against every day. It's sad. Everyone should be ashamed. Jesus would be rolling over in his grave, if he only knew. Oh, and did I mention the guys in my class are all fucking gross? I don't know what they're so worried about. I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole. I'm pretty sure they eat McDonald's everyday and the classroom smells like a junior high locker room. Oh, and the roly-poly-neck-roll-boy in front of me smells like ham.

My theater class smells too. The kid to the left of me has the aroma of slightly soured milk. To my right, there is a girl named Chardonnay. She smells like cigarettes and Bath and Body lotion. In the class, we read plays and analyze them. Chardonnay was terribly disappointed when she came to the realization she wasn't going to be acting. She likes acting. She also likes snapping and popping her gum continuously, that and playing with her multiple gold earrings, sliding them back and forth through their holes rubbing past the callous lumps that once housed bacterial infections. She can get you free cable. She also hates Alicia Keys because she never told anyone she was biracial, so now she feels mislead and won't listen to her music anymore. For Valentines Day, her boyfriend sent her a Valentine from the state penitentiary. She doesn't like him anyway and her other boyfriend made it up to her by giving her a rose dipped in real gold. In front of me sits a young man that looks strikingly similar to Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show—no joke. He likes to itch his cornrows through his do-rag. His heart was broken recently and he plans to use this raw emotion in our upcoming class project. He told me only moments after gargling his Mountain Dew.

The other day I was thinking about a world without homosexuals. I really think people wouldn't know what they had until it was gone, you know? Just think of all those cute parts of town that were made cute simply because gays were the only ones brave enough to live there, redoing all the houses, opening coffee shops, opening faggy art galleries. Gays make cute parts of town. They also design clothes and make pretty hair. In fact, most beautiful and creative things are made by gays. I know that's totally stereotypical and kind of a stretch but it's still kinda true. So, if Christian Republicans had their way and all gays were exterminated, like in Uganda (which is my prediction for the next presidential campaign), just think how depressing the world would be? You heteros would have to eat at Olive Garden or Chili's every night, wearing burlap sacks, with six inch roots and you'd have nothing to talk about except what happened on Two and a Half Men the night before (because it would be the only show left on TV). Boring, and the food at Chili's is gross. And just think of what would happen to New York City? All those girls who moved there to be Carrie Bradshaw would be wandering around crying and wondering why there is no one to make their pink martinis and to design their four-hundred dollar shoes.

The Romans and the Greeks accepted gay people, back before Christianity was made up. It was normal back then. Thousands and thousands of years ago. They invented plumbing too, you know, and where would be without plumbing? Swimming in shit, that's where. And where would we be without all the gays throughout history? Leonardo DiVinci? Plato, Socrates, Michelangelo? Sir Elton John? Sir Isaac Newton?? Do you think a heterosexual would have ever noticed gravity? And I bet Alexander the Great wouldn't have been so Great if he weren't a fag and I'm sure no one was "not sitting next to" Aristotle when he set the stage for the future of physics and mathematics.

Just think about a world where all gay people, everyone in fact, could be happy and encouraged to succeed. Maybe Virginia Woolf wouldn't have walked into that river with pockets full of rocks if she had a dyke softball team to play on. And poor Eleanor Roosevelt wouldn't have been forced to have all that sex with fuddy-old-Franklin. The world could have been an even better place, a cuter place.

I'm not pointing fingers, but Christianity is a bit like the irresponsible parent who only feeds their child spaghetti-o's and tells them one side of the story. Unfortunately, until someone tells that parent that they're unfit, this whole mess perpetuates. I know it seems like I am always picking on religion, but it really is what is keeping the gays as second class citizens. Christians need to realize that we are just as normal as straight people. Gays exist throughout the animal and insect kingdom as part of the evolutionary structure and the natural world. It is fact, just as the earth is round, not flat, and the planets revolve around the sun, and that our solar system is in a galaxy that is one of millions in the universe. See what I'm saying? This is the way it is. I don't care if you think Jesus made it this way or microorganisms grew feet, but this is the world and gay people are a natural part of it. We have always been here. I know I can't prove my gayness is innate, just as you can't prove your God is real. You're "faith" is just as good as my word. So for now, we must try to live harmoniously—or at least until I figure out a way to "misplace" the 650 billion Bibles in the world.
In the meantime, I guess I'll just enjoy the elbow room.

'Tis The Season

I finished my first year of college.. and it only took me ten years.

Speaking of school, I have been informing people of my new decision of not becoming a nurse. It's interesting. Some people haven't taken it so well, namely my clients. I'm all, "Oh, I'm not going to be a nurse anymore." And they're all like, "Oh...". And then I'm thinking, "Were they really that excited for me to be a nurse?".

Christmastime is just around the corner. You know what that means.. 'tis the season for giving.. or stealing if you live in the Merion Village area. Someone stole our Christmas wreath. Someone stole one of our pumpkins, too. The wreath though is far more personal, and expensive. I imagine it was some drunk headed home from the Red Brick Tavern down the street. Or maybe the guy two houses down who looks like he should be on Intervention. Or maybe it was the creepy extended family whose residence is directly across from ours, the ones who never smile/wave when we smile, wave or say hi to them. Either way, it is gone. Just like the baby Jesus after he was stolen from the manger.. or the rock cave. We bought a new wreath, well Jon bought the new wreath, and he also fastened it to the door with a series of tiny nails and six feet of wire. The other day we had 40 mph winds and the wreath stayed put, clinging to the door like baby cow clings to its mother before it is sent to a processing plant to be turned into hamburgers.

You know what else it 'tis the season for? Assholes. And I am one of those assholes. I have zero patience. I did all my Christmas shopping online this year. Wow, so much better. SO much better. I did have to go out for wrapping paper though.. to the Container Store. Usually they have a good selection. Not this year. And everyone there was totally creepy. Ohio is full of scary people. Plus, I had to take the highway to get there, which I never do.

I didn't ask for anything this year. I'm selfless. I did however make an Amazon wish list in case someone wanted to go out of their way and buy me something, so they might know where to find the $1,600 bed frame I wouldn't mind getting, if they felt so inclined. If they felt like GIVING this time of year when people GIVE things.

Over the past year I have learned a lot, partly because I'm enrolled in community college, partly because I live in Ohio again, but mostly because I'm fucking astute. Is anyone following world gay politics? Have you heard about this wacky shit in Uganda? Giving gay people the death penalty for being gay? Do you know whose idea this is? The Ugandan government, you say? No, 'tis Christianity. Many years ago missionaries came to Africa to spread the word of God and to tell people not to wear condoms. White Christian Americans came waddling into the bush. Preachers convinced Africans their culture was inferior and bribed them with Western luxuries like SUVs and Nintendo Wii. Now look what happened!? Seriously, what would Jesus do, you guys? Why would God make gay people? To be executed? What 'tis the point? It's like when Christians burnt "witches". Do you honestly ever think there were actually witches? Couldn't they think of something better to do with ugly women than to label them as witches? ("Dorcas Goode is a witch! She ate my baby!", "I did not!") It just goes to show the ridiculousness of the human race is never ending. Which brings me to my point. I have learned a lot this year, a lot about people, humans. I have learned all my life I have given them far more credit than they ever deserved. The human race gives itself far too much credit. 'Tis the season to give, everyone. Stop giving yourself so much credit and start giving it to me.

Jesus was a socialist. My religion professor said that and I think, yes, yes that is true. The funniest part was watching Christian/Catholic/Mormon people in my class face's wretch in disgust. It's funny, when you think about it.. Jesus totally would have been a socialist, if real bodies of government were established at the time, which there weren't. He stood for the people, equality and peace. In fact, he was a radical in his own time, hence nailing him to a cross. If he were alive today and was in line with the current social/political/economical state of the United States/world I bet every Christian would hate him. They would think he was a total radical and then they'd nail him to a cross. It's funny then that his teachings could be so wildly misconstrued to what they are today.

So, this Christmas let's follow the teachings of Jesus, not the words of Christians. Because this Christmas I think Jesus would really like some world peace, maybe some water to turn into wine, and perhaps some healthcare for everyone, but certainly not bigotry, a four-wheeler and a copy of Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue'.

I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed...really hard.

I don't want to be a nurse anymore. The other day I was cutting this revolting man's hair, who had a large stain on his shirt, and I thought to myself while choking back vomit, "Could I put a catheter in this man's penis hole? Or wipe crusted poo flakes from his hairy anus?". And much to your surprise, that answer was no.

To some, changing one's mind could be seen as a weakness. To me it's a learning process of self-discovery and awareness. That and I want to do something more funner.
Jon and I have been discussing opening a business of sorts for some time now. Our original thought was a long term goal of owning a bed and breakfast somewhere in Mexico or New England. Later, we considered starting here in Ohio with a fancy booze store. Then the idea branched to a specialty foods store or a breakfast joint. So, you see, the possibilities are endless.. as long as there's funding.. and a business plan. So, that's what I'm going to get a degree in, owning something.

I will be meeting with my well-trained, randomly selected, advisor here at the Columbus State Community College and they will point this gleaming vessel of hope, me, toward yonder thar' future.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Church Of Thine Bottle Of Wine

I know everyone is probably sick of me talking about religion, but it really burns me up, no pun intended. After watching this ridiculous youtube video (and this one) I got an idea. I'm going to start my own church. I'm already a reverend, that was easy, so why not create a house of worship? I could use my church to preach hate to anyone who will listen. The best part is I won't have to pay taxes on it. I can buy those lamps I want, more pants and plenty of potato salad all tax free! In thine name.


I will be needing a large building, perhaps an airplane hanger to put my church in. The bigger the better. More people = more money = more teachings of the reverend, me.

We can all gather on Wednesday nights (because there's nothing on TV) and make wishes. We can wish for money, no war and brain cancer for Sarah Palin. Jon will make baked goods and we will sell them for my church and then I will take the money and buy that Tempur Pedic mattress I want. Afterward, we will go around the room and everyone can complement me. People will ask: "Are you in the movies?", and I will chuckle as I dump a fifth of vodka into the communal cup/bowl. We will watch scary, horror movies and drink the blood of me, wine: a Bordeaux, or claret. Then at the end of the night we will sacrifice a bratty child from the suburbs. Crucifixion is passé, so we'll have to think of something more 'current', like maybe we could tape its cell phone to its head until it forms a tumor. Time consuming. Crucifixion it is!

We will hold car washes and whilst washing we will liberate money and electronics from people's cars and sell them on eBay to raise more money to buy whiskey for "Whiskey Night", which will undoubtedly include pudding wrestling or an underwear contest.

I'm really not sure why I didn't think of this sooner.

Today the Westboro Baptist Church was out protesting with their "God Hates Jews" signs for Rosh Hashanah. Why wouldn't Jesus hate Jews? He was a Jew, and who doesn't have a little self-loathing around the holidays?

"Happy New Year, Jesus!"

"Shut up, I hate you."

Recession

My hair is falling out. Well, mainly around my hairline. I tell people this and they roll their eyes. It's a very personal thing, hair loss. As in, I think I'm the only one who cares. That is until I have no hair left and then people will begin to stare. "Look at his big black eyebrows contrasting against his shiny pink forehead", they will say and "What a shame", they will say. I'm thinking about buying Rogaine. You always wonder about stuff like that, what it will do to you in the long run, other than possibly grow you some hair? I believe its original intent was to treat hypertension or heart disease. So, in all actuality, it is a side effect, like diarrhea or death. Either way, once you start using it you are stuck for life because if you were to stop all your fuzzy regrowth would disappear back down the shower drain. Commitment. I knew this day would come. Everyone in my family has always been a little short in the hair department, even the ladies.

The other day I also noticed the beginnings of a granny armpit. Does anyone else have this? Women do, older women and me. It's that delicate patch of softer skin in the front of your armpit. At the right angle it looks shapeless, wrinkly and geriatrically ladylike. It's not the whole armpit, just that spot. I've noticed it when the elderly wear tank tops.

I'm not even thirty yet. What happens in twenty more years? Superfluous ear hair? I guess we'll never know seeing as the world is ending in 2012. The Mayan calender and PBS says so.

Bitchin' in the Kitchen

Politics. Something I know pretty much nothing about. The House of Representatives, Parliament, log cabin, cherry tree, Oprah.. I don't know. I know I don't have equal rights. I know I can't have Jon's health insurance in the state of Ohio without lying to insurance companies. I know that the United States likes to bully other countries, so I am forced to care about ridiculous, stupid politics. I know I would probably care more if I had a 401k or stocks or worshiped Christ. Is there a way to opt out of America? Not that I hate it, I don't. Why does Canada have to be so cold, and Mexico so dirty? Sweden isn't taking new residents. I wouldn't either if I were Sweden. I would brush my silky blond hair and point and laugh at everyone, if I were Sweden.

You wonder if we'll all blow each other up over politics. Will that be how it ends? Either that or the earth will just eat us up or wash us away. The sun is burning out, you know. I just read something on CNN.com about how the sun is losing its heat spots. It's dying. Maybe that's why it was 60 degrees all July.

Anyway.

So, I went shopping the other day at the hipster haven known as American Apparel. I didn't buy anything. I decided I didn't want to support their ever-cheapening-ill-fitting-irregular clothing business. What happened? It's awful. So, they're sweatshop free? Then who's making these clothes, one eyed, one armed immigrants? Maybe they need a little child labor in China. At least they'd beat the child if it made a shirt with one sleeve bigger than the other. So I went to Target to look at tshirts. What a joke. Why is everything made for squatty, fat men with fat, stubby arms!? I'm not looking for clothes that fit me perfectly, but kind of would be nice. It got me thinking. President Obama should enforce some sort of clothing law where all clothes are to be made for healthy active sized persons. That way people have to not be fat asses or they won't get to wear clothes. They would be shamed into wearing moo moos. I think this is a great idea. They shouldn't be making shirts that fit over small buildings, it's only encouraging people.

Today I met with an advisor to discuss my future college classes, something I hate doing, seeing how the advisors don't really seem to know much about anything. I am sitting in the waiting area when I hear the conversation behind me.

Man one: "Hey, would you still talk to yo brother if he became gay?"

Man two: "Yeah, I guess."

Man one: "What? You'd talk to a gay guy?"

Man two: "Uh, yeah dude, he's my brother."

Man two: "That's fucked up. You'd talk to him if he became gay?"

Man three: "Yeah, dude. He'd probably know tons of chicks."

Man one: "Yeah, but he'd know way more dudes than chicks and the chicks he knows could be dudes. You could be all doin' it with some chick who'd be all like, I'm a dude. Dude, you can't trust gay guys."

Man two: "You wouldn't talk to your brother?"

Man one: "What!? Dude, that's fucked up. Fuck no, he'd prolly want to rape me."

I really wanted to turn around just to see how ugly he was.


Dinner time!

blog post number forty two.

Michael Jackson is being remembered today, in a stadium.

Yesterday this angry lesbian on my facebook made a comment about MJ saying, "If I molested little children, I'd rot in jail, which is exactly where he deserved to be". Hello! I mean, those little kids weren't going to molest themselves!? Anyway, child abuse makes you stronger. And I think lesbians belong in jail regardless of who they touch. I would have let Mr. Jackson put his bony, bleached fingers anywhere for a few million. Did he really even do it? Seriously. It's been so long I've forgotten. When people die others tend to forget the bad things they did in life. I've forgotten. Adolph Hitler, what?

Jon is taking it really hard. He bought the entire Michael Jackson catalog on iTunes and will occasionally have bouts of sadness. We've been listening to MJ music for weeks. It's actually really good. How depressing, I will never get to see him in concert. Jon said there was even a 3D portion in the concert for Thriller. Jon knows everything.

Oh, we bought a house. I haven't let myself get truly excited about it yet, considering our last experience of losing our home. It's super cute. It's the second one we bid on and it's way nicer than the first. Which reminds me of that old American proverb: "First is the worst, second is the best, third is the nerd with the hairy chest". I'm not exactly sure what the third would have been. Let's hope we don't find out.

Is it just me, or are you waiting for MJ to reappear? Like Peter Pan on cables, flying about in sequins or dangling more babies off balconies. I now understand why people think Elvis is still around. It's hard to believe that's it.

Death is annoying.

I'll bet Farrah Fawcett is so pissed she didn't hang in there for another week. Michael totally stole all her attention. She even went through the effort of making that whole documentary about how she was going to die. What a jerk.