Church Of Thine Bottle Of Wine

I know everyone is probably sick of me talking about religion, but it really burns me up, no pun intended. After watching this ridiculous youtube video (and this one) I got an idea. I'm going to start my own church. I'm already a reverend, that was easy, so why not create a house of worship? I could use my church to preach hate to anyone who will listen. The best part is I won't have to pay taxes on it. I can buy those lamps I want, more pants and plenty of potato salad all tax free! In thine name.


I will be needing a large building, perhaps an airplane hanger to put my church in. The bigger the better. More people = more money = more teachings of the reverend, me.

We can all gather on Wednesday nights (because there's nothing on TV) and make wishes. We can wish for money, no war and brain cancer for Sarah Palin. Jon will make baked goods and we will sell them for my church and then I will take the money and buy that Tempur Pedic mattress I want. Afterward, we will go around the room and everyone can complement me. People will ask: "Are you in the movies?", and I will chuckle as I dump a fifth of vodka into the communal cup/bowl. We will watch scary, horror movies and drink the blood of me, wine: a Bordeaux, or claret. Then at the end of the night we will sacrifice a bratty child from the suburbs. Crucifixion is passé, so we'll have to think of something more 'current', like maybe we could tape its cell phone to its head until it forms a tumor. Time consuming. Crucifixion it is!

We will hold car washes and whilst washing we will liberate money and electronics from people's cars and sell them on eBay to raise more money to buy whiskey for "Whiskey Night", which will undoubtedly include pudding wrestling or an underwear contest.

I'm really not sure why I didn't think of this sooner.

Today the Westboro Baptist Church was out protesting with their "God Hates Jews" signs for Rosh Hashanah. Why wouldn't Jesus hate Jews? He was a Jew, and who doesn't have a little self-loathing around the holidays?

"Happy New Year, Jesus!"

"Shut up, I hate you."