Opposite Marriage is Key

I'm sorry everybody, NO OFFENSE, I just feel the need to say this..

Miss California is a cunt. If I hear one more person say she was brave for standing up for her faith, I'm going to tear my ears off. She is not brave. She is an idiot.

And all this, "No offense, that's just what I believe".

Yeah, no offense, I believe I'm better than you and I don't think you deserve equal rights, no offense though.

"Why are you mad? I said no offense. I'm just saying what Jesus said".

Christianity breeds stupidity. It says, "Don't think for yourself, we'll do the thinking for you". Listening to a pastor tell you his interpretations of an ancient book and then going out in the world and hating/judging people based on someone elses interpretations is ludicrous! Religion is absurd! People only believe it because they are terrified of the truth, terrified of the "consequences". When we die, we die. That's it. No heaven full of puffy clouds, no bearded white man telling us what a great job we did on earth (for hating and ostracizing groups of people). Do we really think it could be that simple? Heaven? Puh-leease. What a joke. The world is made up of tiny atoms floating in a galaxy in space and we think a man is sitting in a cloud watching us and giving us rules to follow? Fucking dumb. So funny the human race thinks so highly of itself. That we out of ALL creatures deserve to put ourselves on a pedestal, destroy our planet and each other, all in the name of "faith". So, Miss California, I hope the next time you're at the Walmart, buying tampons for your stinky cunt, that someone pulls you out back, pops one of your eyes out and fucks your socket raw, depositing a large AIDS-filled cum wad inside. Because that's what I believe. Retard.

blog post number thirty six.

Last night I dreamt I delivered a baby. I don't remember whose, someone I went to high school with, I think. It was so traumatic I woke up. I remember a few things about this dream, one being the smell. I can only describe it as "sweaty anus turd", which is what I think is what was happening when she was pushing out the baby. I was asked to deliver the baby because I was a nursing student, which is funny because technically I'm not even enrolled in a nursing program, yet. The possible ex-high-school-cohort was belly down on what looked like a folded down back seat of a car. I was pinned behind her, against the back of the car, but supposedly we were in a hospital. She was really quiet and sweaty. She pushed. I let the baby fall onto the floor, which was really close because we were in a car/hospital. I had to choke back vomit as someone else cut the cord. So, I guess all in all I didn't really deliver the baby as much as was trapped behind a shitting woman who pooed a baby. I woke up and my legs were sweaty.

My math class is the weirdest. The other day in the middle of a lecture, this zitty little boy one seat over, started nudging me. "Hey, are you a cop?", he said. I was like, "In the village people?". No, really I just sat there and stared at him. I said no. He was like, "Wanna buy some painkillers?". I thought hard for a minute, stared at his creepy prepubescent mustache, and said no. Ever since he hasn't stopped talking to me. The other day he brought in his photos he took while serving in Iraq. Pictures of dead bodies in the road smeared by tanks, random body parts strewn about. Why is he showing me these? Totes creeps. So, if you try to call me someday and I don't answer, I'm probably tied up in his basement in Whitehall.

Oh, Jon and I are opening a bed and breakfast in Puerto Vallarta, fyi.

Easter

It's here again. The time of year when we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead and hiding colored eggs around town for children to find.

Some two thousand years ago, when people were created of dirt. There was a lady who gave birth to God's son through the process of immaculate conception, or sex without touching. Jesus was magical and everyone hated Him for it, so they nailed Him to a cross. He died. Jesus was then wrapped in a sheet and put in a rock cave. The next morning Jesus' friends came to rub Him with spices, but alas, His corpse was gone. Where did It go? Later that day His friend the prostitute saw Him, claiming He rose from the dead, but no one believed Her because prostitutes are often crazy. Later that day two other people saw Him on their way to town, but they didn't know it was Him, because He had taken on a new shape (more magic). Finally, magical Jesus appeared to some disciples and told them more magical things, right before He was whisked up to heaven to sit on God's right hand.

Remember this story this weekend, remember the true meaning of the holiday. It's not about money and jellybeans, or brightly colored eggs, or that claymation special where everything looks kind of fuzzy like felt or something, but it's really clay from the 60s. I love that one. The real meaning of Easter is magic... and gullibility... and zombies.

Happy Easter.